just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
