I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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