now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
