i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
