I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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