Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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