Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
