you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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