Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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