you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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