Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
