So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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