I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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