The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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