Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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