he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
