good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
