I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize