one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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