Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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