If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
