Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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