Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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