I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
