I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
