Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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