just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
