Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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