my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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