Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
