Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
