A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
only you would photoshop your dick
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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