Did I show you my penis last night?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
