Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
