she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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