Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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