Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Green mimosas i think yes
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
