meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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