Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
