I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
