I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
