The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
