1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
