hotel room ftw
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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