wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
