he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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