Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
