If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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