I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
