What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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