Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
