it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
