You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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