Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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