Well apparently he's into motor boating.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
